Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. (1999). “Principle 1: Enhance your love maps,” in The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work (Chapter Three, 47-60). New York: Three Rivers Press (Random House, Inc.).

Many married couples fall into a habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses.
	
Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. Gottman calls this having a richly detailed love map — his term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.

Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.

When she orders him a salad, she knows to ask for his dressing on the side. If she works late, he’ll tape her favorite TV show because he knows which one it is and when it’s on. He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss, and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts. She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a “free spirit.” They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes.

Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?

IN KNOWLEDGE THERE IS STRENGTH

From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.

Take, for example, one of the major causes of marital dissatisfaction and divorce: the birth of the first baby. Sixty-seven percent of couples in Gottman’s newlywed study underwent a precipitous drop in marital satisfaction the first time they became parents. But the remaining 33 percent did not experience this drop — in fact, about half of them saw their marriages improve.

Couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go. These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, they weren’t thrown off course.

Couples need to be in touch not just with the outlines of each other’s lives — their favorite hobbies, sports, and so on — but with each other’s deepest longings, beliefs, and fears. No matter how busy you are, you have to make each other your priority — always making sure you have time to catch up on each other’s day.
Having a baby is just one life event that can cause couples to lose their way without a detailed love map. Any major change — from a job shift to a move to illness or retirement — can have the same effect. Just the passage of time can do it as well. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

Love Maps Questionnaire
There are few gifts a couple can give each other greater than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood. Getting to know each other shouldn’t be a chore.

Exercise 1: The Love Map 20 Questions Game
Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the love maps concept, how to apply it to your own relationship, and the kind of information you should include about your spouse.

Exercise 2: Make Your Own Love Maps
Now that you have a clearer understanding of the love maps concept, it’s time to focus more seriously on your love maps for each other’s everyday lives. Even though these maps are “all in your head,” it helps to write down some of the basics. It’s best to use a separate piece of paper, or better yet a notebook or journal that you can use for all of the exercises in this book. Don’t pass judgment on what your spouse tells you or try to give each other advice. Remember that you are simply on a fact-finding mission. Your goal is to listen and learn about your mate.

This love maps form is useful for creating a broad outline of your current lives. But love maps shouldn’t just be broad — they should also be deep.

Exercise 3: Who Am I?
The more you know about each other’s inner world, the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be. This questionnaire is designed both to guide you through some self-exploration and to help you share this exploration with your partner. Answer the questions in each section as candidly as you can. You don’t have to answer every aspect of each question — just respond to the parts that are relevant to your life.

My Triumphs and Strivings
My Injuries and Healings
My Emotional World
My Mission and Legacy
Who I Want to Become

THE NEXT STEP	

Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process. Love maps are only a first step. Happily married couples don’t “just” know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. For starters, they use their love maps to express not only their understanding of each other but their fondness and admiration as well.
Sample Exam Items

1.	According to Gottman’s research, approximately what proportion of newlywed couples experience an extremely steep drop in marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child,?
a.	1/4
b.	1/3
c.	1/2
d.	3/5
e.	2/3
f.	3/4

2.	By developing a detailed love map for each other you are helping your marital relationship by:
1.	being better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict
2.	protecting your marriage in the wake of a dramatic upheaval
3.	thoroughly knowing your spouse
4.	giving each other the gift of joy that comes from feeling known and understood

a.	1 and 2
b.	2, 3, and 4
c.	1, 2, 3, and 4
d.	3 and 4
e.	2 and 4
f.	1, 3, and 4