IMPORTANT NOTES FROM DOHERTY ON FAMILY RITUALS

Doherty, William J. (1999). Excerpts from Chapter One (“The intentional family”) and “Becoming a more intentional family” (Chapter Twelve). In The intentional family: Simple rituals to strengthen family ties. New York: Avon Books (Morrow), 10-14, 188-199.

FAMILY RITUALS

*Many family researchers and family therapists have learned only recently how significant a component family rituals are to the glue that holds families together.

*Previously, most researchers and therapists emphasized talk: how couples communicate, how parents verbally praise and discipline children. But as important as talking is, what professionals weren’t considering was how we enact our family relationships.

*Family rituals are repeated and coordinated activities that have significance for the family.

*To be a ritual, the activity has to have meaning or significance; otherwise, it is a routine but not a ritual.

*To be a ritual, the activity must also be repeated.

*A ritual activity must be coordinated.

*Family rituals give us four important things:
1. Predictability. The sense of regularity and order that families require, especially those with children. Knowing that the father will talk to his child and read a story every night makes bedtime something to look forward to and savor. If bedtime talks and stories have to be negotiated every night — if there is no predictability — then the ritual loses its power.

2. Connection. The bedtime ritual may be the primary one-to-one time shared between a father and his child. Couples who value rituals of connection generally make sure they coordinate their evening plans so as to go to bed together. Those who generally go to bed at different times are apt to lose connection over time, unless they have strong alternative rituals of connection.

3. Identity. A sense of who belongs to the family and what is special about the family. You may know who your core family members are by who is invited to the Thanksgiving meal; including nonrelatives in core family rituals makes them “family,” too. For some couples, shopping for antiques becomes a ritual outing that helps form a couple identity as antique lovers.

4. A way to enact values. Values demonstrate what we believe and hold dear. Religious rituals are a good example, as is a family volunteering together for community work; or ensuring that the children join in regular family visits to a grandparent in a nursing home.

Types of Family Rituals
*Family rituals by definition involve more than one family member, but not all family rituals necessarily involve the whole family. Some rituals involve just two members; say, a married couple going out to dinner or a parent reading to a child. Some involve subgroups; some involve the larger extended family. Others include close friends of the family, and still others, a larger community such as a church or synagogue or a volunteer group to support the local children’s museum. Successful Intentional Families learn to ritualize everything from pairs to communities.

*Connection rituals offer everyday opportunities for family bonding, such as family meals, morning and bedtime routines, and the comings and goings of family members to and from work and school. They also involve family outings. The goal is a sense of family bonding.

*Love rituals focus on developing one-to-one intimacy and making individual family members feel special. They can be subdivided into couple rituals and special-person rituals. Examples of couple love rituals are anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, “dating,” and sexual relations. Special-person rituals generally center around birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.

*Community rituals have a more public dimension than connection and love rituals. They include major family events such as weddings and funerals that link families to their communities, as well as religious activities in churches, synagogues, or mosques. In addition, community rituals include conscious efforts to connect with a wider social network than the family, to both give and gain support. The healthiest families give to their communities and receive support back in good measure.

*Thanksgiving and Christmas have evolved into a special category of family ritual, involving all three functions of rituals: connection, love, and community. They are the grand rituals of the calendar year for the majority of American families, Christian and non-Christian alike. And for many people, holiday rituals hold both the fondest and most depressing memories of childhood.

*There is no universal yardstick for measuring family rituals for all of our diverse contemporary families.

*The idea of the Intentional Family is to encourage families to use their own values, histories, religions, and cultures to consciously plan their life together and in community.

EVALUATING YOUR FAMILY RITUALS
*Are your current rituals meeting your family’s needs for connection, meaning, and community?
*Which areas do you feel your family ritualizes well and which areas need ritual enhancement?

Connection and Love Rituals
 1.	We have meals together regularly.
 2.	Our mealtimes are full of good feeling and good  conversation.
 3.	We often share enjoyable family activities at home.
 4.	We often share enjoyable family activities away from home.
 5.	We have rich holiday rituals.
 6.	We share enjoyable family vacations.
 7.	We engage in regular positive contact with our relatives. We celebrate birthdays well.
 8.	We celebrate birthdays well.
 9.	We have satisfying ways to acknowledge Mother’s Day.
10.	We have satisfying ways to acknowledge Father’s Day.
11.	(For families with children) We have satisfying bed time rituals.
12.	(For couples) We regularly find time alone to talk.
13.	(For couples) We use bedtime as a way to connect at the  end of the day.
14.	(For couples) We go out alone together on a regular basis.
15.	(For couples) We celebrate anniversaries in a way that is  meaningful to both of us.

Community Rituals
 1.	We regularly see family friends.
 2.	We are actively involved in a church/synagogue/mosque, or a similar community concerned with beliefs, ethics, and values.
 3.	We are involved in neighborhood activities.
 4.	We participate in recreational or educational groups and activities (for example, athletic programs, book clubs, support groups).
 5.	We are involved in activities to better our community.
 6.	(For parents) We talk to our children about social and community concerns.
 7.	(For parents) We are active in our children’s school.

1. Is a ritual missing where you would like one to be? Are there areas that you don’t ritualize at all but wish you did? If so, do you want to try to create one? Do you think there is support in your family for creating a new ritual?

2. What is the current ritual lacking? Has it become just a family routine? Is it too rigid? Has it lost meaning, as a prayer before meals that is spoken in rote fashion? Is it too infrequent or unplanned? Is there disagreement about the ritual or conflict during it? Has it become boring for some family members?

3. Is there too much responsibility placed on one family member? Most families have a main ritualizer, who ends up bearing too much of responsibility for family rituals. A particular ritual may falter when that person tires of the leadership or  grows weary or resentful over carrying the burden alone.

4. Are family members achieving a balance between individual time and family time? Sometimes family connection requires that people feel they have enough time to be apart. This may be true especially for adolescents, but adults, too, need different amounts of joint activities and alone time. Resistance to certain family rituals that require concentrated time together might stem from family members’ need to balance aloneness and togetherness.

5. Is an underlying family problem hurting the ritual? If spouses have serious problems or conflicts, the family’s rituals might be the casualty. Avoiding rituals becomes a way to prevent conflict. Families will keep the television on constantly through dinner, for instance, as an unconscious way to prevent conversation and thus possible conflict. Troubled families can often enhance their rituals of connection and community if they take a low-key approach and deliberately avoid conflict during them. Couples can begin going on dates but agree not to discuss their problems during these rituals.

THE DELICATE ART OF CREATING OR CHANGING FAMILY RITUALS

*Most of us become used to things the way they have been done in our families, even if not always satisfying; family routines and rituals take on a life of their own. Change can be especially difficult if the family’s patterns give individual members maximum freedom — people eating “on the fly,” making visits to relatives optional for the children, or letting them go to bed whenever they please. For these two reasons — the weight of tradition and the desire to preserve independence — family rituals are difficult to institute or modify.

*Start with yourself. Clarify the needs you want to meet by a new or modified ritual and the values you want to promote. Needs and values are the best justifications for proposing that the family ship shift its course. These can be your personal needs and values, or your sense of the family’s needs and values. The best rationale for adding and changing rituals is a combination of “what’s in it for me” and “what’s in it for others.”

METHODS OF INITIATING OR CHANGING RITUALS

*Direct route to creating or changing family rituals: specifying needs, values, and concerns; listening; proposing changes; negotiating before trying something out; and evaluating how it works. 

*A second option is the indirect route, which here does not mean manipulative; it means creating an experience before proposing that it become a ritual.

*A third way to initiate or change rituals is through discovery — to discover that you enjoyed something that has already happened, and propose making it a ritual.

OVERHAULING, SUBSTITUTING, OR DROPPING FAMILY RITUALS

*There needs to be an ongoing process of monitoring the ritual and revising it if necessary. Many once satisfying rituals can lose their meaning as the family or its environment changes. Most rituals need fine-tuning over the years; some need an overhaul, and others need to be substituted or dropped altogether. Major transition times in family life are particularly good opportunities to take a long look at your rituals.

*After you acknowledge that a family ritual is not working, the key step is to revisit the needs and values that the ritual was intended to serve.

*What was its original purpose? 

*Are those needs and values still important? 

*In what way is the present ritual not meeting those goals?

*A ritual can also become burdensome.

*A family ritual may have served its purpose and is best put to rest.

PRINCIPLES FOR MANAGING FAMILY RITUALS
1. Adult agreement.
2. Eventual buy-in from the children.
3. Maximum participation.
4. Clear expectations.
5. Minimal conflict.
6. Protection from erosion.
7. Openness to change.

SAMPLE EXAM ITEMS

 1.	According to Doherty, which of the following characteristics must be included in order for something to be considered a ritual?
(1)	couples and parents communicate with each other positively
(2)	parents verbally praise and discipline children
(3)	it must be repeated
(4)	it has to have meaning or significance
(5)	it must be coordinated
(6)	it must be an activity or routine
a.	1 and 2
b.	3, 4, 5, and 6
c.	1, 2, 3, 4, and 6
d.	1, 2, and 4
e.	3, 4, and 6
f.	1, 2, 4, and 6

 2.	According to Doherty, family rituals give us a number of important things. One of these is a sense of who belongs to the family and what is special about the family. Which of the following characteristics of family rituals does this thing pertain to? 
a.	a way to enact values
b.	connection
c.	identity
d.	predictability
e.	none of the above

 3.	According to Doherty, family rituals are difficult to institute or modify for which of the following?
a.	the desire to preserve independence
b.	differences in needs and values
c.	the weight of tradition
d.	a and b only
e.	a and c only
f.	a, b, and c